That song is my weakness.
It breaks down any walls that I may have up... Walls towards God, towards school, towards my closest friends or walls towards myself.
My biggest problem is the walls I put up towards myself..I choose not to believe simple things about myself. Little things that I know are against Gods will...even if they are tiny.. and I choose to ignore the fact that they are wrong. My excuse is always "Oh its so small that it doesn't matter" It doesn't work like that though; all the small things add up..and my small things are turning into huge things that are ultimately blocking my full potential for which the Lord wants to use me. For which they are blocking my happiness... and when those walls get broken down, like tonight, its so hard to keep it together. I realize that a lot of my relationships with people I should end, my actions, my words, my intentions are not in the Lord... I realize that I am a really bad person. I mean, bad compared to Jesus, or people that I go to church with or even just my parents. I feel like everything I've been doing, I've been doing in sin.
I honestly just don't know how to end this. After tonight there is just a lot I need to think about.. that I need to decide.. I need to change my life for the better because at the rate I'm going I will end up with nothing, no one. I feel like I'm already there... in the friends sense..Are any of my friends real? Do they care, do they want to be a part of my testimony, my life, my journey with the Lord and do they want me to be a part of theirs? Or did they just pick me up for a short joy ride and in about a month are they gonna drop me off and never talk to me again? I feel like my whole life I've cared too much about people who could care less about me.. and I'm afraid thats happening now.. with one friend in particular. It sucks. I'm just gonna be blunt, it rips my soul.. to give everything I have to a person and know that if I had to move or if we just stopped talking...they'd probably never give me a second thought. But thats who I am... these are the people I care about. I'm self destructive in a way but it seems like the only thing my heart knows how to do.
With that I bid you adieu....
I need to go reflect on many things.
Oh Christ, be the center of our lives
be the place we fix our eyes...
..be the center of our lives.
I write and maintain a spiritual blog which I have titled “AccordingtotheBook” and I’d like to invite you to follow it.
ReplyDeleteThat is so interesting Megan; I really don't think that you are as bad as you think. You sound like a wonderful person to me. The devil may want you to believe you are not a good christain like your parent, friends, and others in your church; but everyone struggles, even the pastor in your church struggles with some sin. You just have to remember that God loves you even in your weakest moment; never forget to run to him, becauase he loves you inspite of all your flaws. Keep ruuning to Jesus becasue his love for you is unconditional.
ReplyDeleteAnd you need to stop looking to people to satisy your needs; find completion and freindship in Jesus. People will fail you, but God never does. But when you have the right foundation in Christ, your friends rejection will not get to you as much:) Take care and remember Jesus loves you more than anyone else in this world.