Frayed

Do you ever have those moments in life when you realize that everything in your life seems to be held together by a flimsy string that is beginning to snap under all the pressure of life, family, school, money or plainly just society as a whole? I've recently come to realize that that's all life is, its a mess of things that are codependent on everything else balancing out and not straining the string of composure. This string can become frayed in areas where the weight of a certain part of life is heavier than others but we balance it out by putting strain on other areas and neglecting the areas at which the problem started in the first place.

I think a lot of my problems are branch out from the fact that I am going through a dry spell in my relationship with Christ. I haven't attended church in over a month, and for me that is a very dangerous thing. I am who I am today because of church, because of God. I feel that if I am not "in-tune" with Him that I will revert to the "old" Megan; that's a path I'd rather not like to travel down again. I know I am by no means a perfect person. No man is perfect, besides Jesus of course, but I can feel myself starting to slip, starting not to care. I find myself thinking of the past more and more without even meaning to. When I realize these things I feel that I need a distraction, but distractions are not always "healthy" per say. They can lead me farther away from the one thing I need to be closer to.

 A few of life revelations that I've had since the last time I posted a blog five months ago.

1.) Some people are meant to be in your life for a season and others for a life time. I talk two people that I was friends with in high school and one of them I have been friends with since I was eight and the other I've been friends with for roughly about a year. All the people I was friends with don't even seem to matter anymore. It's sort of sad but in a way I feel that it's a good way to move on into the next chapter of my life.

2.) There are always going to be people in your life who do not like you. It is impossible to please everybody and I have decided to be the mature one in my life and not strive to please everybody. I am sorry if you don't like me, I am not going to bend over backwards to try to please you and make you like me. I shouldn't have to try so hard. I have to learn to accept the fact that I can't please everybody, and by learning this now I am freeing myself from a lifetime struggle that would ultimately lead down a road of self-destruction.

3.) I was wrong when I stated two years ago that I was wrong my whole life. To clarify, I lived my whole life being flustered by young people claiming to know what love is. The young teens who after a month or two of dating a person that they maybe knew for a couple months, a couple of weeks or maybe even a couple of days before they started to date. Two years ago when I was dating my ex I retracted that statement and claimed that I was wrong to say everyone else was wrong, I just hadn't been in a situation as to which the above would apply. After two years and two relationships of which I claimed to know "love" in both, I retract my retraction. I've sat and reflected on both of these relationships and the feelings that I've stated. I've come to the conclusion that I couldn't have really been in love. If I was, I would sit here today in sorrow over these two boys and want them back; as I believe that to be in love with someone means that you never want to lose them, that you would be willing to do anything for them and that you wouldn't be afraid to show even the darkest parts of yourself to them. I also sit here and realize that this isn't all there is to love, but at the same time I sit here for a loss of words to describe what being in love or feeling love for certain human being is exactly.

4.) Money absolutely does not grow on trees. This a statement that most people grow up hearing from their parents virtually their whole life. Its also a statement that we know is true but the severity of that statement doesn't sink in, I think, until you realize that you are growing up and you can't find the tree that grows money anywhere and your parents haven't been lying to your whole life. When you get to point where you need money and fast but it seems that no matter where you turn there is no opening to put yourself out there and earn something for yourself, that the economy is at a dangerous low point and jobs cuts and unemployment rates are effecting even you; an eighteen year old college freshman who never thought that money would be a big issue at this juncture in life.

Even with life revelations my string has definitely had some major fraying in the past couple moths but I am in the process of finding a balance as to not stress my string of composure any further. I have yet to discover how it is we obtain a brand new string or even just repairs to our old, frayed ones. But as soon as I do, I promise I'll share it with all of you.