An Unusual Opinion

This is a huge long ramble about sex, so if you don’t care, move on. 

I am a virgin. By choice, I might add. I’ve had boyfriends who have wanted to go all the way and I’ve had guy friends who wanted to be friends with benefits but I’ve simply said “no”.. It’s not hard, I swear. That’s why I don’t understand why so many people can’t do it.

Personally, I used to believe in the whole “wait till your married” thing, but as I’ve grown older I see that that idea is completely unrealistic. Sure, there are people who do believe in that and do wait, maybe I will maybe i wont, I can’t predict the future. I do know though, that most people don’t or can’t or whatever the case may be. My altered view, however, is that you shouldn’t just sleep with every guy/girl that you like, go on dates with or even ‘date’ (bf//gf). I believe that it is something that should be shared with someone special, someone you could trust with anything, someone you love. If you don’t love somebody and they don’t love you back and you go and have sex with them; don’t you feel used? How can you trust someone with your biggest secret (your body) if you do not love them? 

With these opinions/values I don’t really ‘fit in’ with the social norm for my age. I’m one of the only people, that I’m aware of, that finds it odd to sleep with someone after only a few short weeks of knowing said person. Not even that. People have one night stands  sleeping with people that they just met an hour ago. Does that not make you feel cheap? Do you not value your body as sort of a gift to give to someone special. I guess I just don’t get it. I understand that from my situation I only have half the story to tell, but it’s still my view and it intrigues and confuses me when people don’t see things the same way that I do.

Even if you sleep with more than one person in your life, I don’t see it as a bad thing per say. As long as everyone you’ve slept with meant something big to you at the time. It is true, we do fall in and out of love with people. So with that said, I don’t think its fair to judge people who sleep with multiple people or people who have premarital sex. Matter of fact, it’s not really fair to judge anyone, but we are human and we do. Just like many of you will judge me for my views. 

As I said this was just a giant ramble; I had to get my thoughts out there somehow. Judge me as you will; support me or be pissed at me. I’m not telling anyone how to live or that they should think better or less of themselves because of their actions. I’m simply sharing my thoughts and my opinions. 

My Ramble About the Opposite Sex

I don't want to complain, because this is not what my blog is about. But my blog is a place to express my frustrations and talk about my confusions and struggles in life. I must emphasize that I am not complaining.

I don't understand the male species. As soon as I think I have them figured out, they do something so unexpected or something so curious that all my theories are blown out the door. I mean I know that guys think that girls are confusing, but at least if you asked us(well at least me) Id try to give you an explanation of why I did/said/thought something unless is was an impulse. Whereas you try and ask a guy why they do/say/think something and suddenly they cant here you or the use the all classical "I don't know".. Do they really not know or are they just too dang prideful to show a little emotion or give us a little peak into their mind. 

Then there's the guy who is like venus fly trap in my life. I mean I don't think I even really like him, what makes me want to go back is the fact the fact that he does. Not many guys do and I just find is so easy to slip right back to him, but it seems like I'm the back up plan. We went out for three months, right around this time last year, but it wasn't until after he tried to go out with all of my friends. And then we went out again six months after we broke up right after him and his girlfriend broke up. And then he goes and breaks up with me because I act too much like an adult. What kind of reason is that... But now he wants to be friends and he calls me and leaves me these messages that make me want to call him back, make me want to be with him even though I don't even like him. What kind of person does that make me?

Sometimes I think that i don't even want to get married anymore because guys are just so confusing. They can't even humble themselves a little to let us know how they think or anything. But then other times, like last night, just being at the mall, nip in the air, hot coffee in my hands dark night sky.... I just wish I had someones hand to hold and walk with and share some romantic laughs with. But as I'm typing this out I realize how ridiculous this must sound to anyone. But its something that I want more than anything in life. 

Frayed

Do you ever have those moments in life when you realize that everything in your life seems to be held together by a flimsy string that is beginning to snap under all the pressure of life, family, school, money or plainly just society as a whole? I've recently come to realize that that's all life is, its a mess of things that are codependent on everything else balancing out and not straining the string of composure. This string can become frayed in areas where the weight of a certain part of life is heavier than others but we balance it out by putting strain on other areas and neglecting the areas at which the problem started in the first place.

I think a lot of my problems are branch out from the fact that I am going through a dry spell in my relationship with Christ. I haven't attended church in over a month, and for me that is a very dangerous thing. I am who I am today because of church, because of God. I feel that if I am not "in-tune" with Him that I will revert to the "old" Megan; that's a path I'd rather not like to travel down again. I know I am by no means a perfect person. No man is perfect, besides Jesus of course, but I can feel myself starting to slip, starting not to care. I find myself thinking of the past more and more without even meaning to. When I realize these things I feel that I need a distraction, but distractions are not always "healthy" per say. They can lead me farther away from the one thing I need to be closer to.

 A few of life revelations that I've had since the last time I posted a blog five months ago.

1.) Some people are meant to be in your life for a season and others for a life time. I talk two people that I was friends with in high school and one of them I have been friends with since I was eight and the other I've been friends with for roughly about a year. All the people I was friends with don't even seem to matter anymore. It's sort of sad but in a way I feel that it's a good way to move on into the next chapter of my life.

2.) There are always going to be people in your life who do not like you. It is impossible to please everybody and I have decided to be the mature one in my life and not strive to please everybody. I am sorry if you don't like me, I am not going to bend over backwards to try to please you and make you like me. I shouldn't have to try so hard. I have to learn to accept the fact that I can't please everybody, and by learning this now I am freeing myself from a lifetime struggle that would ultimately lead down a road of self-destruction.

3.) I was wrong when I stated two years ago that I was wrong my whole life. To clarify, I lived my whole life being flustered by young people claiming to know what love is. The young teens who after a month or two of dating a person that they maybe knew for a couple months, a couple of weeks or maybe even a couple of days before they started to date. Two years ago when I was dating my ex I retracted that statement and claimed that I was wrong to say everyone else was wrong, I just hadn't been in a situation as to which the above would apply. After two years and two relationships of which I claimed to know "love" in both, I retract my retraction. I've sat and reflected on both of these relationships and the feelings that I've stated. I've come to the conclusion that I couldn't have really been in love. If I was, I would sit here today in sorrow over these two boys and want them back; as I believe that to be in love with someone means that you never want to lose them, that you would be willing to do anything for them and that you wouldn't be afraid to show even the darkest parts of yourself to them. I also sit here and realize that this isn't all there is to love, but at the same time I sit here for a loss of words to describe what being in love or feeling love for certain human being is exactly.

4.) Money absolutely does not grow on trees. This a statement that most people grow up hearing from their parents virtually their whole life. Its also a statement that we know is true but the severity of that statement doesn't sink in, I think, until you realize that you are growing up and you can't find the tree that grows money anywhere and your parents haven't been lying to your whole life. When you get to point where you need money and fast but it seems that no matter where you turn there is no opening to put yourself out there and earn something for yourself, that the economy is at a dangerous low point and jobs cuts and unemployment rates are effecting even you; an eighteen year old college freshman who never thought that money would be a big issue at this juncture in life.

Center.

That song is my weakness.
It breaks down any walls that I may have up... Walls towards God, towards school, towards my closest friends or walls towards myself.
My biggest problem is the walls I put up towards myself..I choose not to believe simple things about myself. Little things that I know are against Gods will...even if they are tiny.. and I choose to ignore the fact that they are wrong. My excuse is always "Oh its so small that it doesn't matter" It doesn't work like that though; all the small things add up..and my small things are turning into huge things that are ultimately blocking my full potential for which the Lord wants to use me. For which they are blocking my happiness... and when those walls get broken down, like tonight, its so hard to keep it together. I realize that a lot of my relationships with people I should end, my actions, my words, my intentions are not in the Lord... I realize that I am a really bad person. I mean, bad compared to Jesus, or people that I go to church with or even just my parents. I feel like everything I've been doing, I've been doing in sin.

I honestly just don't know how to end this. After tonight there is just a lot I need to think about.. that I need to decide.. I need to change my life for the better because at the rate I'm going I will end up with nothing, no one. I feel like I'm already there... in the friends sense..Are any of my friends real? Do they care, do they want to be a part of my testimony, my life, my journey with the Lord and do they want me to be a part of theirs? Or did they just pick me up for a short joy ride and in about a month are they gonna drop me off and never talk to me again? I feel like my whole life I've cared too much about people who could care less about me.. and I'm afraid thats happening now.. with one friend in particular. It sucks. I'm just gonna be blunt, it rips my soul.. to give everything I have to a person and know that if I had to move or if we just stopped talking...they'd probably never give me a second thought. But thats who I am... these are the people I care about. I'm self destructive in a way but it seems like the only thing my heart knows how to do.

With that I bid you adieu....
I need to go reflect on many things.

Oh Christ, be the center of our lives
be the place we fix our eyes...
..be the center of our lives.

25

The number of days left in my high school career. 

Lately I've realized that the older I get, the faster time seems to fly by me. Those weeks that used to seem like years are slowly but surely turning into mere days. I am eighteen. Legally I'm an adult. Most of us look forward to the day when we can say that..In reality, it's kinda scary. Most people only think about the new so called "freedom" that they will have, rather than all the new found responsibilities that you take on. 

I recently moved to California, ohh California[Thats a completely different story though], from Pennsylvania.. It will be two years on August 14th. A lot has happened in that two years. I've discovered things about me as person, although I'm still searching for who I really am, I've developed and destroyed friendships, I've began my relationship with God.... All of these things are great... but it all just happened. I'm not ready to start over.. Not yet. I like the people I know now, I'm just starting to get comfortable in my surroundings.. These twenty-five school days are going to whip past so fast that I wont know what hit me until I'm [hopefully] walking up to get my diploma. I have twenty-five school days to establish the relationships that I want to last past high school, to decide whose face I never want to see again, to decide if....if certain things are even worth my time anymore because I might only have twenty-five days to see their face, hear their voice.. Its all a snap of a finger in comparison to the big picture. 

The big picture..... that's what I'm ultimately striving towards in life. All these little things don't even matter... Sometimes I wish I was older... already in the process of establishing my life, my family, my traditions. Have my family growing in the light of the Lord.... speaking of Him...I've really been turning towards Him lately.. Trying to find clarity, understanding, patience...there's a whole list of things. What I've found is that He is not going to just give me these things.. But He will give me tasks as to which the outcome will be what I was searching for in the first place. I've been hoping lately that I will not abandon my relationship with Christ.. with VGCC.. as it is making a better person.. I know this, I can see it. Yes, I still have my flaws, but what human being dosent? 

Ahh.. twenty-five..

The number of days left in my high school career..

The age I wish I was.... 

I've got one... What now?

A blog.
Cool.
Now I have a vlog (that no one watches) and a blog (that no one will probably read).
But that's not what this is about.
This is about me.

I'm debating what I should actually blog about though.
Should it be completely random? Or have a set theme.
My luck is that if I have a set theme, I wont stick to it.
Therefore I have just decided it's going to be random.

So what to talk about now?
Church. The same thing I talked about in my vlog.
It amazes me sometimes how powerful the Lord really is.
In the past couple weeks I have really seen him work through some guys and it honestly blows my mind away.
Then I realize the Lord is working through me, and that shocks me.
Two years ago I would have laughed in your face if you told me one day I would be going to church, that God loves me and would be doing amazing things through me.
Sometimes when I realize I'm building a relationship with God, and with people through God, I want to break down and cry.
I am so grateful for what He's doing for me and my life.
That people will actually pray for me and my family.
I wish any future relationship I have is built on God.
It hasn't been before and I honestly think that's why a lot have failed.
Not just dating per say, but friendships too.
But I'm mainly talking about dating.
It's not that I'm worried about having a relationship.
[ Well, that's a lie. but it's not gonna ever happen, so yeah]
Its that I don't want to have another failed one.
I don't want to follow what happened between my parents.
I mean I love them both.. but if I ever got divorced... *sigh*

Ahh... that's all.
Sorry for boring you.