Center.

That song is my weakness.
It breaks down any walls that I may have up... Walls towards God, towards school, towards my closest friends or walls towards myself.
My biggest problem is the walls I put up towards myself..I choose not to believe simple things about myself. Little things that I know are against Gods will...even if they are tiny.. and I choose to ignore the fact that they are wrong. My excuse is always "Oh its so small that it doesn't matter" It doesn't work like that though; all the small things add up..and my small things are turning into huge things that are ultimately blocking my full potential for which the Lord wants to use me. For which they are blocking my happiness... and when those walls get broken down, like tonight, its so hard to keep it together. I realize that a lot of my relationships with people I should end, my actions, my words, my intentions are not in the Lord... I realize that I am a really bad person. I mean, bad compared to Jesus, or people that I go to church with or even just my parents. I feel like everything I've been doing, I've been doing in sin.

I honestly just don't know how to end this. After tonight there is just a lot I need to think about.. that I need to decide.. I need to change my life for the better because at the rate I'm going I will end up with nothing, no one. I feel like I'm already there... in the friends sense..Are any of my friends real? Do they care, do they want to be a part of my testimony, my life, my journey with the Lord and do they want me to be a part of theirs? Or did they just pick me up for a short joy ride and in about a month are they gonna drop me off and never talk to me again? I feel like my whole life I've cared too much about people who could care less about me.. and I'm afraid thats happening now.. with one friend in particular. It sucks. I'm just gonna be blunt, it rips my soul.. to give everything I have to a person and know that if I had to move or if we just stopped talking...they'd probably never give me a second thought. But thats who I am... these are the people I care about. I'm self destructive in a way but it seems like the only thing my heart knows how to do.

With that I bid you adieu....
I need to go reflect on many things.

Oh Christ, be the center of our lives
be the place we fix our eyes...
..be the center of our lives.

25

The number of days left in my high school career. 

Lately I've realized that the older I get, the faster time seems to fly by me. Those weeks that used to seem like years are slowly but surely turning into mere days. I am eighteen. Legally I'm an adult. Most of us look forward to the day when we can say that..In reality, it's kinda scary. Most people only think about the new so called "freedom" that they will have, rather than all the new found responsibilities that you take on. 

I recently moved to California, ohh California[Thats a completely different story though], from Pennsylvania.. It will be two years on August 14th. A lot has happened in that two years. I've discovered things about me as person, although I'm still searching for who I really am, I've developed and destroyed friendships, I've began my relationship with God.... All of these things are great... but it all just happened. I'm not ready to start over.. Not yet. I like the people I know now, I'm just starting to get comfortable in my surroundings.. These twenty-five school days are going to whip past so fast that I wont know what hit me until I'm [hopefully] walking up to get my diploma. I have twenty-five school days to establish the relationships that I want to last past high school, to decide whose face I never want to see again, to decide if....if certain things are even worth my time anymore because I might only have twenty-five days to see their face, hear their voice.. Its all a snap of a finger in comparison to the big picture. 

The big picture..... that's what I'm ultimately striving towards in life. All these little things don't even matter... Sometimes I wish I was older... already in the process of establishing my life, my family, my traditions. Have my family growing in the light of the Lord.... speaking of Him...I've really been turning towards Him lately.. Trying to find clarity, understanding, patience...there's a whole list of things. What I've found is that He is not going to just give me these things.. But He will give me tasks as to which the outcome will be what I was searching for in the first place. I've been hoping lately that I will not abandon my relationship with Christ.. with VGCC.. as it is making a better person.. I know this, I can see it. Yes, I still have my flaws, but what human being dosent? 

Ahh.. twenty-five..

The number of days left in my high school career..

The age I wish I was....